Six Flags CEO: Nothing can stop us from coming to Spring Hill
By Frank Fencil | firstname.lastname@example.org
SPRING HILL, Florida — Angered by new reports that a Six Flags was not coming to the intersection of U.S. 19 and State Road 50, the theme park’s CEO has vowed to build a park twice the size and do so twice as fast.
“Hernando County commissioners and the media cannot stop me,” Six Flags’ Will Feinstein said. “If your politicians want to stop us, we’ll buy their houses, burn them to the ground, collect the insurance and use it to ship those carpetbaggers back to New York faster than they can say gerrymandering. If your local media wants to discredit us, we’ll open this thing by early 2016. Nothing can stop us, not even God herself.”
The theme park executive said he would also begin working his engineers around the clock to build roller coasters so large and fast that they will inflict physical and emotional scars while packing in more fun than is physically possible with current technologies.
One county official went so far as to mock those who bought into Feinstein’s vision and believed that the park would help solve each and every one of the county’s economic woes and bring enough fun to the area to finally put it on a level playing field with New York, a lofty bar that Spring Hill has long reached for and fallen woefully short of.
“There are some members of the public who have bought into this,” one official is quoted by the Hernando Today. “It’s a joke.”
Feinstein’s rage over the denials extended down the Nature Coast, where he said he would raze Pasco County’s premier shopping center, Gulf View Square Mall, the skating rink that recently reopened on County Line Boulevard and demolish the pink dinosaur on U.S. 19 just to teach people a lesson.
“You want nice things?” Feinstein asked, likely rhetorically. “You’re going to get something nice in 2016. And it’ll be the last nice thing left for 90 miles in any direction.”