Top 10 DIY abortion aids available at Hobby Lobby

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1. Frosted glass Christmas ornaments

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These understated, 4-inch glass bulbs are ideal for smashing into tiny, jagged slivers used to create an environment wholly inhospitable to life. Using them to fill your vaginal cavity is also sure to keep any penis from poking around in there long enough to leave a seed. $3.99

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/4-frosted-glass-ornaments-152322/

2. Marblex self-hardening clay

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If penetration leads to agitation, simply fill the void with this durable substance. $10.99.

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/5-pound-marblex-self-hardening-clay-153452/

3. Pipe cleaners

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Giving yourself a daily scrubbing with these will ensure your uterus remains barren.

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/6mm-multi-chenille-stems-value-pack-158634/

4. Cookie scoop

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This may seem a bit invasive, but it’s great for pulling out all the stops — along with any fetuses you might have growing in you. The tasteful white color and ergonomic design make it a fit for any home birth control kit. $2.99

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/white-cookie-scoop-787226/

5. Yarnology acrylic crochet set

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Been filled up? Sew it shut! Use this colorful crochet set to stitch your labia together, ensuring that you won’t need it later to make a set of baby booties. $4.49

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/size-g-k-acrylic-crochet-hook-set-105155/

6. God Bless Our Home wind chime

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This beautiful resin and aluminum chime will make sure a newborn baby’s cry is the last thing you’ll ever hear. Put it inside you and let its sweet sounds bring serenity to your womb again. $19.99

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/resin-and-aluminum-god-bless-our-home-wind-chimes-320275/

7. Silicone cupcake tongs

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Let this item help squash any ideas a zygote might have about making itself at home. $3.99

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/hot-pink-silicone-cupcake-tongs-349118/

8. Blaster Supreme rubber band shooter

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Fling a few of these up in there to whip a pesky fetus into leaving the nest early. $5.99

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/rubber-band-shooter-blaster-supreme-266288/

9. Binding wire

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Take note: No babies welcome. $2.49

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/3/4-rosey-cinch-binding-wires-245977/

Titanic model kit

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Inserting this 1:570 scale model will surely sink the hopes of even the biggest, most boastful fetus. $21.99

http://shop.hobbylobby.com/products/rms-titanic-model-kit-873380/

Frank Fencil

Frank Fencil is an award-winning journalist with more than two decades' experience. He has uncovered government corruption, toppled dirty police forces and covered two foreign wars as an international correspondent. He chose to return to his native Spring Hill in hopes of giving his hometown the quality watchdog journalism it deserves.

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