Bright House, Republic waste management to merge, announce plan to abuse you as single terrible company
By Frank Fencil | firstname.lastname@example.org
SPRING HILL, Florida — Officials from Bright House Networks and Republic Services have announced plans to merge into a single entity that will abuse you as a customer, shame you for having no reasonable option but to use their services and leave you with little or no recourse.
“A lot of people said a cable and Internet provider has little business coming together with a waste-management company,” Bright House Senior Strategy Director William Grimblegore said. “But when we started comparing our portfolios, it quickly became apparent that we both have amazing reputations for failing to deliver even the most basic levels of service to our fine customers, many of whom live in areas in which we operate a near monopoly.
“From there, it was a match made in heaven.”
The Federal Trade Commission is expected to approve the merger next week, though Grimblegore said he expects it to be merely a formality after bribing commissioners earlier this month.
Customers in many of the affected areas, including Hernando County, will begin seeing crossover services that will be grouped into inconvenient, confusing billing structures that can only be paid online with a series of ever-changing passwords and image CAPTCHAS or through a call center wholly staffed by speakers of a nearly dead tribal tongue who want nothing more than for you to live in discomfort.
Among the new features will be the Blight House Networks Channel, which will provide a 24/7 live feed of your rubbish-riddled front yard becoming increasingly overrun with the trash very deliberately ignored by the passing pickup crews. The footage will be available both through set-top boxes and the Bright House Networks app for those who want to see their property values dwindle to previously unbelievable depths while traveling or at work. However, if at any point you begin finding the footage entertaining, your cable and Internet will go down and spending 90 minutes on hold will be the only way to restore them.
Republic has also announced plans for a reality TV series made possible through the partnership. Each week, some 200 families in the service area will be selected for contractually obligated participation. Each household will be given four trash cans and may fill up each one with the litany of debris scattered throughout the families’ respective pieces of property. Republic will then pick up three of the four trash cans from each house and then force the family to eat the contents of the remaining can for a segment called Chews on the 2s that will be aired on Bay News 9 as a complement to Weather on the 9s.
Sheriff’s department officials said they will help enforce the mandate because what are realistically you going to do about it?
The merger will impact customer fees. Each household can expect to see a $40-100 monthly increase in combined charges, simply, Grimblegore said, because you have no other options.
“Our No. 1 goal is to make sure that, between our full suite of digital offerings and waste-management services, each and every customer will have at least one inconvenient service outage every day of the year,” Republic spokesman Randle Milk said. “This is going to be a fully coordinated effort, and we know our crews are ready to bring the pain.”
Video: This footage was taken from a Republic service expected to roll out for Hernando County customers later this summer. Bright House subscribers can find more footage like this upon the launch of the Blight House Networks Channel.