Spring Hill church pushes Christian messages long and hard with Big Johnson merchandise
By Frank Fencil | firstname.lastname@example.org
SPRING HILL, Florida — It’s no shroud of Turin, but one local church is hoping its new line of T-shirts will make you want to spread your wallet wide and allow it to profit off its prophet.
Christian Temple of Christ on Spring Hill Drive recently acquired the rights to the Big Johnson brand, which came to popularity in the 1990s with a line of phallic-themed T-shirt designs depicting a red-haired young man in sexually suggestive scenarios featuring allusions to the otherworldly size of his genitals.
The church has already repurposed the character as the host of its children’s camps, and he will be featured on a new line of family-friendly T-shirts to launch this spring with proceeds benefiting the church.
The church will, however, keep with the brand’s tongue-in-cheek style with slogans like, “Pray hard, prey harder,” and, “Everyone has a cross to bare.”
Another shirt shows the Big Johnson character with two blonde women on large wooden ship with the caption, “An arc this big will make ‘em flood.”
In yet another design, the Big Johnson character is seen playing the role of Jonah as a buxom woman climbs out of a whale’s mouth and reads, “Put a whale in her tale.”
The church is also considering using the character in some Catholic-themed merchandise, including a shirt that features the Big Johnson character giving the sacrament to a busty lady and reads, “Get on your knees and taste His body.”
“We really think this will stroke some people into thinking deep and hard about God and the church,” Pastor William Skillup said. “We hope this message will penetrate deep and last a long time.
“As these words splash across more and more faces, I think the church will start seeing more and more people coming.”