Rick Scott, Charlie Crist spend entire debate arguing over who is better tongue kisser
By Frank Fencil | firstname.lastname@example.org
DAVIE, Florida — It’s rare to see a politician open his mouth without a sound coming out, but that’s just what happened at Wednesday’s gubernatorial debate.
Gov. Rick Scott and former Gov. Charlie Crist spent nearly all of the evening arguing over who was the better tongue kisser.
Set on the topic when a moderator asked Scott about his stance on property taxes just two minutes into the event, the two candidates spend the rest of the evening trying to convince Florida’s electorate that he was the smoother smoocher and at one point calling up women from the crowd to help showcase their respective approaches.
Scott’s stance revolved around building a reliable technique through hard work and determination.
“You can’t just go ramming a tongue in someone’s throat, like I’ve heard my opponent so often does,” said Scott, the Republican candidate. “You have to really start from scratch. When I was a child, I was a terrible kisser. Even my mother will tell you that.
“But I picked myself up by my bootstraps, practiced, dedicated myself to it, and God willing, I was able to establish myself as the best in the healthcare industry and later in all of Florida.”
Crist said he believes kissing is more about emotion and understanding that everyone has a different style and embracing that fact.
“Kissing is not one-size-fits-all,” said Crist, a former Republican turned Democrat. “We have to be understanding that not everyone has or will appreciate the same technique. It’s about accepting those differences and helping provide on-the-kiss training for others.
“In fact, I think it’s high time some of this state’s best kissers gave back to those less fortunate and spent some time training. I know I’ve spent more than 200 hours going to this state’s schools doing just that. And that’s something I know my opponent cannot say.”
In the end, both candidates agreed the only way to settle the debate was to meet at a neutral site next week and kiss one another.